Everything You Need To Know About A Cellar

But…were afraid to ask.

Lynn was always gone when I needed to go to the cellar, but we did try to keep it stocked and reasonably safe, since the cop was busy and the cop’s wife panicked in cellars.

Cellars, can be a dreaded place, if you suffer from claustrophobia, which I do.  I’m not dysfunctional or anything.  I’ve never had therapy.  I hardly ever notice it unless I’m under a blanket, under the house, stuck in an elevator, wearing a hat, fighting with a tight turtleneck sweater, in a closed 4 x 4 room, you know, things like that.   

I hardly break a sweat if it’s something not on that list.  I’m cool. Living in Oklahoma has taught me a thing or two about cellars. 

One, they’re dark.  Two, they’re really dark, and Three, they’re really dark and damp.

I’ve compiled a list of everything you should know about a cellar, but were afraid to ask.  If you’ve got some things you’d like to add, feel free.

1. Cellars can be fun.  If you’re 5 years old, don’t have to go potty, or poop, it’s not a bad place. 
2. You can never have enough snacks, and if you live in Tornado Alley, keep your cellar well stocked with crispy things that go crunch. 
3. Store everything in plastic bags or containers and wrap them in paper towels so they stay drier than the air you’re going to be breathing down in that deep, dark, damp hole.
4. Cellars are not fun if you’re not a 5 year old and an adult who has to go to the bathroom, both ways.
5. Cellars are not fun, if someone has just used the porta-potty.
6. Bring Air Freshner.
7. Cellars are boring.  Bring games and don’t let “I Spy” be one of them.
8. Spiders love cellars.
9. Mice loves cellars.
10. Roaches live in cellars.
11. You can’t kill roaches, they are indestructible.
12. Roaches multiply worse than rabbits.
13. Everything mildews. 
14. Don’t lay on the bed without shaking all the covers and examining every inch for bugs that don’t respond to shaking.
15. Roaches are bugs that don’t respond to shaking.
16. Snakes hide in cellars and come out when you doze.  Don’t doze.
17. Have an ax to chop your way out should something land on your cellar door.
18. Add a prybar and a shovel.  You can’t have too many tools in a cellar.
19. Kids cry.
20. Kids laugh at kids crying.
21. The cellar door is heavy and does not stay in your hand during a 70 mile an hour wind gust.
22. Go to the cellar before the wind gets to the level of 70 miles an hour.
23. Don’t be afraid.
24. That’s ridiculous, be very afraid.
25. Be more afraid of spiders.
26. Spiders drop from the ceiling of cellars.  They’re not just trying to say “Hi!”
27. Check the cellar for cobwebs before Tornado Season.
28. Cobwebs stick to your hair.
29. Sometimes cobwebs are really spider webs in disguise.
30. Check batteries more often than once every 5 years.
31. Take a radio that fits the batteries. They do have to match in size required.
32. Store toilet paper in plastic wrap.
33. Answer the same question from your child 122 times with patience. This has a selfish motivation; crying echoes in the chamber.
34. Learn to smile through gritted teeth without scaring the children.
35. Lie.  “Everything is going to be fine, Daddy will be here soon.”
36. Don’t worry about the lie, it’s acceptable.
37. Pack an emergency first aide kit and remember where you put it in the deep dark damp cellar.  Someone will smash their finger.
38. Have lights, lots of lights in various sizes.
39. Forget the alcohol, unless it’s rubbing alcohol, this is no time for a party.
40. Have pen and paper. Writing your thoughts is good therapy.
41. Make sure you have personal identification on your body, don’t ask why.
42. Call people before the storm, so they know you’re going to the cellar, just in case later, they can’t find you.
43. Don’t paint your cellar red.  It’ the color of panic. 
44. Don’t panic.

It’s all going to be okay.  See rule about lying. 

– by Marisue, telling the stories of a cop’s wife’s life.

A Cop’s Wife Tangles With Twisters

A cop’s wife needs to be strong and able to make quick decisions, without calling her cop.  Oklahoma twisters were pretty hard and a daily scare in the stormy season.  We lived in a small town, and the townsfolk expected their cops to keep them safe, even from tornadoes. 

You learned to live with the weather channel and local news in your ear during the Spring and early Summer, especially. 

 Though I am a woman of few phobias, I hate cellars.

Still, only a fool would avoid one when it’s time to go.   The local cops, during a stormy day or night, were often out on the highways and country road, storm watching. 

In the days before everyone had a cell phone, Lynn would try to make a quick run home with stern warnings to get to the cellar the moment it was necessary and to stay alert. 

He knew that my fear of dark and spiders, would make me hesitate.  You don’t want to wait ’til you hear the roar to go to the cellar.  Not only could the cellar door be deadly and ripped out of your hands,  if you’re also holding kids, the door and pets…well, you get the picture.

One word of caution.  Forget the umbrella, get wet.  Keep towels in the cellar, fresh water, fresh batteries for radio and light, snacks for comfort, even a game or two for the kids.  Did I say Lights, lots of lights???

I went to the cellar many nights with just me and the kids, hating every second, worried about my husband, and he worrying about us.  It was the way we lived but I will tell you a secret.

When people griped about cops, thought we were well paid (HA!), thought we had perks, I was so tempted to get into their face.  

However, not only does a cop’s wife have to go to the cellar alone, she frequently has to keep her mouth shut.

-I am Marisue, telling the stories of a cop’s wife’s life.

A Cop Is A Dad, Too

A cop’s job can be all absorbing.  The pressures are constant and overwhelming.  The cases, the tragedy, the sadness of what they see eats their hope and their attitude. 

As a cop’s wife, I saw my role as helping him heal from the negative mental video that played in his mind.  As a family, we tried to make up for the negative.  Some cops are rejuvenated by their home life, some are destroyed by it.

Many times cops are accused of being married to their job, yet in their defense, they need to be totally focused for their own safety, and for the safety of others.  They can’t be worrying about bills at home, or their last argument with wife or the kids.  Sound familiar?

The good cop makes sure he keeps his family ties strong.  Being there is not always comfortable and easy, but it’s important even to make the effort.  Cops have a high rate of divorce; it’s a tough life for families.  Those marriages that have staying power are the ones with wives who can be alone, and are not a “dependent” personality, and  who actually enjoy their husband’s job.  

You can’t be afraid to attend activities alone, being flexible is the rule of the day for a cop and his family!

It can be very exciting, a little scarey, full of pressure, all mixed in with an amount of pride in the work they do.

Being a dad, extends into the grown child years.  My oldest son has a busy job running a club and it steals his daylight hours.  When the brakes went bad on his car, he not only didn’t have the energy to repair them, he didn’t have the time.

Dad to the rescue.  Lynn drove the miles across Tampa Bay, repaired the brakes, and returned to work.  Exhausted, but that’s a good dad’s life. 

Here’s to good cops who balance work and home, everywhere!

by: Marisue, talking about the cop’s wife’s life.

A Question A Cop’s Wife Asks Before Panicking

Cop’s forget the shock effect of their job.  They walk around in sticky, oozy smelly things all the time.  Thankfully, I didn’t have to clean the uniforms, we sent them out.

It’s amazing what comes home from the police department.  My cop always left clean, he smelled good, looked good, my man, Lynn.  What walked back in the door was anyone’s guess.

I’m a strong woman, one of few phobias, not prone to panic.  I thought. Twenty-five and pregnant, I still had a lot to learn. 

As a young married couple, and really even now, we have a lot to talk about.  Then, life was full of adventure, and we would give up sleep to talk about it.  Can you imagine?  Now, it’s “Honey could you tell me in the morning, I’m dead.” 

Lynn worked the night shift for years and years.  He wasn’t really a night owl, but that’s where the excitement is if you’re a cop, even in a small town. 

One night, he came home about 2:00a.m. and unfortunately he was locked out.  He pounded on the door, and of course, I went to the door, belly first as I was 6 months pregnant. 

You’re about to ask “What was he thinking!!”

I opened the door and screamed.  His shirt and part of his face was covered in blood.  My hand flew to my mouth, my eyes to his face and back to his chest.  He looked like he’d been shot.  He froze, I froze, we were both a sight.

I guess he saw my eyes try to roll back into my head so he jumped through the door saying “I’m alright, I’m alright, most of it’s not my blood.” 

MOST OF IT??

Yeah, that was my question too, only I couldn’t speak on account of I was about to throw up.  I didn’t know blood stunk.  It’s a sharp metallic smell that burns the nose and throat. 

I backed up to the couch and dropped like a heavy rock.  Lynn was talking, repeating over and over “I was in pursuit and when he stopped, as I was telling him to put his hands behind his back he turned and came at me with his fist, he was holding a tire iron,  but all I saw was motion so I drew my baton, rather quickly I might add, and hit him.  He hit me first, and I hit him a second later.  See?  This is his blood and this part’s mine.  See my eye?  It’s turning black, I think.  That’s what bled, head wounds bleed a lot, see he hit me here on the temple. Man, I’m pretty lucky, he had to have stitches from the baton.”

“Lynn!, Lynn!, please, stop, don’t tell me anymore, take your shirt off, I can’t stand to look at it!!”

Cops!!   They’re so in awe of their job. 

After this eventful night of fright, he learned to change clothes before he came home,  and I ask “Whose Blood is it?” before I faint.

It worked, we’ve been together going on 32 years, so all you young cop wives, learn from me.  Ask questions first, faint later.

by: Marisue, talking about the cop’s wife’s life.

A Cop Is Always Right

So Sayeth The Cop

And, I believe him on penalty of … no shopping.

The following stories are all times of great peril. Please read with caution, as even being this close to someone who is always right can be hazardous to your health. I’m married to him, but I take lots of supplements, just for added protection.

Once upon a time, (all good stories begin that way and this is a good story) on a dark and stormy night, a dangerous drug case came to a close. All men in uniform escaped with their lives. Barely.

For weeks, comings and goings had been studied at a particular location by the men in blue. Copious notes taken by dedicated policemen tracked wicked and evil men and women who frequented this mobile home. Soon, the address was passed on to the next team. The TAKE DOWN team. My husband was honored to be in charge.

Carefully, they plotted their drug bust. They rehearsed the steps:

1. Adam and Ben (all names changed to protect the whatever) would watch the front door and radio the code word “front ready” when the coast was clear.

2. Ted and Bob would cover the back door and radio the code word “back ready” when the coast was clear. (See how good they are?)

3. My Lynn and his faithful assistant, Ralph, after years of practice, would crawl under the house and cut the plumbing so when Adam and Ben, and Ted and Bob made the move to burst through the appropriate door assigned to them, and the very bad and dangerous drug dealers tried to flush their product down the sewer it would land on the ground instead of going down the drain. (See, they ARE good, aren’t they?)

4. On your mark, Get Ready, Get Set, GO! Adam and Ben yelled “Police!” and kicked in the front door. Ted and Bob yelled “POLICE!” and kicked in the back door. Lynn and his faithful assistant Ralph yelled “Now!” and whacked the sewer pipe under the mobile home.

Adam and Ben and Ted and Bob came running out the front door at the same time and yelled to Lynn to crawl out from under the trailer. He crawled. Adam whispered “The guy in the house is 80 if he’s a day.”

Lynn stared. Ralph stuck his head out from under the trailer and stared. Partners work very good together.

Lynn quietly radio’ed in to the station for a confirmation on the location.

When the reply came of 1 0 3 9 Anywhere Street, they all stared. Slowly turning to the front door where the number on the trailer was visible, they read in unison 1 0 9 3.

The confused old man came to the front door “Hey, Mr. PoliceMan! What’s going on?”

Lynn, being in charge, said “Sir, we wanted to advise you that you have a plumbing leak under your trailer, and you’re going to need to get that seen about pretty quick.”

Lynn and Ralph, Adam and Ben, Ted and Bob quickly pointed to the area beneath the trailer house and said, “uh, yeah, that’s a real hazard, you get that fixed now…and your back and front door are not very secure either.” Being very skilled in entering and exiting, they all piled into their 3 police cars and drove away at a rapid speed.

You’ll be happy to know, the caring police officers showed up the next day to secure the weak front and back door for the old man and even brought a plumber. They are always ready to help the elderly.

The real culprits were later detained which led to a much larger dope case being solved where all received due time for the crime. Another happy ending due to great investigative work by my man and HIS men.

——-

Once upon a time, on another dark and stormy night, a police officer named Dave stopped the driver of a car for a traffic violation. As he approached, the car sped off down the street. Dave followed in hot pursuit. Up and down the streets they went, Dave calling in for back up, the traffic violator speeding through town. Soon, they were heading to the country. Dave, the cop, had all he could do to keep the car in sight as it went over and down the hills of the dark twisting roads. Finally, he glimpsed the glint of metal in the nano second of moonlight and yanked the car left down a dirt road. He HAD his man!

Policeman Dave, did not know what road he was on. The suspect had jerked his car over to the side, jumped out of it and was moving fast on foot. Where were they?? Dave could not radio his location. Did he follow policy and turn around to go back to town? No. Dave-the-brave pulled up quickly and jumped out of the car, running after the big bad suspect who was likely guilty of something horrid. Closer and closer he came to the man who ran.

Suddenly, the man who ran stopped. Dave collided into him and down they went. Uh – O. Dave was alone in the dark, at the corner of “Know and Don’t Know,” wrestling with a man who turned out to be tough. Tough enough to grab for the cop’s holster.

Now, Dave is alone on an unknown country road, with no back up, and losing the battle with the traffic violator. He heard the police dispatcher calling for his location. Panic gave him energy and he fought harder to keep the side of his body with the gun holster buried in the dirt. They rolled and rolled further away from the police car. The suspect had a hold on the gun that was still in the holster and somehow began to squeeze off shots. Bam! Bam! Bam! Dave’s leg burned from the gun bursts as if it were on fire! Was he going to die? Gun in hand, the suspect stood up, pulling the trigger one more time. Click.

The gun was empty. Dave swung at the man’s legs and realized he couldn’t see very well. Something sticky was in his eyes. Blood, dirt, and gun powder filled his nostrils. The suspect melted into the darkness, dropping the empty gun. Sirens pierced the thickness of fear. Dave began to crawl back to the police car, breathing the air that told him “I’m alive, I’m alive.” Within a few minutes, Lynn and another officer pulled onto the road, spotting Dave by his car.

Not feeling the blows as they happened, Dave had been pistol whipped with his own gun, and nearly shot. Though bruised and bleeding, he only required a few stitches and a few days off to get over the trauma.

In case you become a cop, and stop someone in a traffic violation, and they decide to run, and it’s a dark and stormy night, and you’re alone and don’t know where you are…don’t get out of the car. Wait for backup! So sayeth the Manual for a very good reason. You could be shot.

Conclusion: The man was apprehended by being traced through his car and did have warrants for his arrest for “ASSAULT.” He now had a more current charge of the same.

———–

Another story follows the path of a bullet. When firing a gun, it’s good to aim at your target, and then actually hit your target, instead of a piece of metal. Bullets have been known to bounce. One highly skilled sharpshooter was at the firing range with other officers of whom Lynn was one. He was not this shooter. I’m being truthful now. There are many things of which he is never wrong about, but this was not one of them. However, he did witness this incident and so I know it’s the truth.

The afore mentioned highly skilled sharpshooter took a quick aim, and anxious to show off his expert skills, fired the weapon at the bulls eye.

Somehow, his arm moved, and the shot went wildly to the left, hitting a metal trim and bounced back, hitting the officer square on the forehead, right between the eyes. I KID YOU, NOT.

The 357 magnum bullet pierced and lodged in the flesh, not causing great harm, but did create a measure of pain. The officer was known from that day forward as “Ricochet.” For some reason, he seemed embarassed but glad to be alive. I guess he forgot the “Ready, Aim, Fire!” part of target practice.

Ricochet did not quit the force, but was more than pleased to present the “Top Shingle Shooter Award” to my husband just a few years later. Read all about it. Cops are good with guns.

The moral of these stories, of which I have many more, is: If you marry a cop, remember he is ALWAYS right.

—–

I first published this article on HubPages.com.

12 Survival Tips for Cop Wives

Over the years, I absorbed a lot of knowledge from my husband the cop. If you’re really observant, some of it’s bound to rub off on you. Here’s a few things I learned, while being married to the MAN IN UNIFORM:

1. If you go to see a scarey movie with him, be prepared to hear: “That could never happen in real life.” every 5 minutes.

2. If he takes you to see “The Reincarnation of Peter Proud,” don’t share the popcorn box. He will switch it to the coke cup while you aren’t looking and right when Peter Proud goes over the boat into the water you will stick your hand in the coke cup and scream like a nut. He will laugh uproariously as nothing in the movie scares him and he’s looking for entertainment.

3. Don’t take square dance lessons with any expectation of having a visible do-se-do partner. The pager will go off unexpectantly and he will too. I do a mean do-se-do all by myself.

4. Be prepared to celebrate Christmas on any other day but December 25th. The Good Cop, Chief, will let his staff off and cover their shift. It’s ok, that big ol’ heart is why you married him, remember?

5. When he takes you to the local dance club owned by his would-be Elvis-like singer-lifelong-friend, realize that after the first 2 dances, he’ll end up being the bouncer, even if it is his day off. Bring a good book.

6. Don’t take it personally when you make a u-turn at the corner where you aren’t supposed to, he’ll have half a dozen calls about “why the cop’s wife can do that and no one else can” by the time you get back home.

7. If you sit down to dinner, expect the doorbell to ring by a distraught father, abused spouse, or sad teen. They just have one quick question.

8. When you go to the Sonic for a quick burger and conversation, expect to make at least 3 quick stops as he sees crime happening out of the corner of his eye while driving 40 miles down the street in the dark…”this will just take a minute, honey. Lock the door.”

9. Don’t let him clean his unloaded rifle while you’re back is turned as you fold clothes and he watches a football game. At a touchdown moment, the unloaded 22 rifle will shoot a hole in the roof causing him to win the TOP SHINGLE SHOOTER AWARD at the police Christmas Party. He will not be amused. I still don’t know who told. I swear.

10. Always check to make sure the car is in park when he stops the car suddenly, because once again, he sees crime happening out of the corner of his eye while you’re going down a perfectly bright country road at 50 miles an hour. The car in park, but not double checked, will roll downhill, as you sit calmly in the passenger seat. You will then lose your religion while you scramble into the driver’s seat. Daintiness goes out the window, literally. If you value your husband’s ego, you’ll fail to mention any of this when he gets back into the car. “How’d that go, dear?”

11. Never try to understand cop humor as he tells you of his evening, when he discovered a dead elderly woman and then when answering the Medical Examiner’s arrogantly asked question “Did you touch anything? What did you do when you found her?” and your cop’s reply was “I said, ‘Ma’m, you have the right to remain silent.’ and then I called you.” It’s just his way of coping with frequent death.

The next one is not funny – but very true. Read at your own discretion.

12. Never serve macaroni and cheese. It reminds him of a family who lost their son to an accidental shooting death. The 17 year old was shot in the head while eating macaroni and cheese. The wound was wide open. The cop will throw up.

Bonus #1: Never ever expect to get anywhere on time unless you leave 1 hour early. The phone will ring, pagers will go off, walkie talkies will sqwak, someone will need him. I’m a patient, creative woman, and can go to almost any function together, with my husband not at my side.

Bonus #2: When the cop says “It’s not dangerous, honey.” Take a long hot bath. When the cop says “I’ll be home for dinner.” put his plate in the microwave.

Midnight conversations were lively, though:

“How was your day, dear?” Softly, intimate tales were told of dark rendezvous in parks; secret investigations of the rich and locally famous; cops hiding in drug stores closets to catch a thief; bank presidents caught in midnight positions in the bank lobby, giving new meaning to drive-through banking; drugs found in unusual body cavities; not sexy, but drunken female flirting: while under arrest, they shout from a cell, completely naked, as in–NO CLOTHES ON– “Get your ass back in here, Mr. Po-leec-man!, and let’s negotiate.”

Insomnia is your companion, when one waits up for the tales from the badge.

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I first published this article on HubPages.com.