A Gassy Cop – Will He Survive?

We’re talking gas, all right, but not the kind you put in your car. Or…?  Come on, go ahead and read, it’s just a fact of life.

I know. It’s embarassing to even bring the subject up. We all do it and we all go through every day pretending we don’t. Like me for instance. This entire story will be told at my husband’s expense.

Well, gee. You didn’t think I did this kind of thing did you?

It’s him. He does it everywhere and he even blames me. I can be standing next to him in the check out lane and…well, I just can’t bare to say it. Lean close. Come on, lean in closer. Right next to the monitor…he passes wind.

You know. Wind. Gas, Air, okay make me say it…he farts. I do apologize for those I’ve just offended. I must warn you, it’s going to get worse.

If you’re under 18 and living in a virgin house that is free from, uh, gas…then please read no further. You do not want to know what a grown man does in public places, and some places not so public. It’s completely unnatural and evidently there is no cure.

Personally, I think it’s a guy thing. Well, maybe not, but the sheer enjoyment and pleasure of passing gas for a man is just a strange phenomenon. They are so into the moment. You’ve seen that, right?

For the past 32 years, I have been subjected to sheer torture. I am confessing now that I’ve had my moments of being tempted to walk out, but what about the children? I think about it though, everytime he pulls his passing wind stunts.

What brought this to mind is that he did it again, the other day right in front of God, and everyone in the store. He always catches me off guard. There we are, walking down the canned bean aisle and it must have been the power of suggestion from the beans, because I heard this god-awful roar. I prayed it was thunder, but no.

Automatically I held my breath. Experience, my friends (I do apologize for those words, McCain has made them so painful even to write), it’s just experience. You hear the roar and if you value your life you will hold your breath, and then you’ll push that cart away at a trot. “Away” is the key word.

His next comment is so predictable. He will turn abruptly, with a shocked look on his pink face and say loudly “Mari SUE!!”

Like I did it!! And, what are you going to say back to that?? “I didn’t do it – it was YOU!” Ha! People look knowingly and in pure sympathy at him. I can hear their thoughts “Poor woman, has she been this way long?” They always think it’s me. He is such a liar and performer…it’s probably all those years on the police force, don’t you think?

He’s just not human.

I could slice and dice that man in that moment, and I am not a violent woman. He is so lucky I stay with him. The grocery store is not the worst place this happens. Oh, no. Not by a long shot. I have many memories of moments of embarassing flatulence.

Here, are the Top Ten Embarassing Places To Pass Gas:

1. Do NOT get on an elevator with this man. He will wait, until it’s full of people and you can’t move and — well, he just let’s it rip. This one is silent.

What hurts my feelings is that when people begin to cough and stir around, fervently searching for that one delicious breath of freshness, he looks at the one next to him and jerks his head in my direction and then rolls his eyes.

While I’m busy melting into the floor, he’s causing everyone to look in my direction. He’s a mean man. I think silent gas is the worst and entirely not fair. Where is your defense against such a thing!!

At that moment I can not be trusted to speak.

I carry air freshner but dragging that out would only convince them it was me. Instead, my innocence is validated by the slightly blue tinge to my face from holding my breath. Living proof of purity. Why would you hold your breath if the gas was yours? See!?! You know what I’m talking about, but does anyone on the elevator take time to think of that??? No!! They are too busy giving me dirty looks while they gasp for air!

They hate me. Well, they’re strangers, why do I care?

2. Do NOT attend a business meeting of 100 people in the same room and sit next to him. For some reason, he thinks the large room and the 100 people absorb the sound. So, these gassy moments are not silent. Oh yes, plural as in more than one. I try to sit on the end of the row but it’s not always possible. The sound is deafening and long. What happened to the little short ones??

He just sits there. No embarassment. Nothing, until, slowly, he’ll turn his head to me and put his hand on his hip. His little “Well, I never!” look would stop a herd of elephants.and he can hold that position for a full 30 seconds.

As if on cue, someone will clear their throat and breaks have been called for no apparent reason. “We’ll all take a 10 minute bathroom break, folks. Uh, Make that 15 minutes.”

I never know what happens next because I’m outta there like greased lightning. People won’t even look in my direction when the meeting starts up. Magically, I have tons of elbow room on the now nearly vacant row. I like wiggle room, but it would be nice to have someone to talk to though.

I’m so alone.

3. When you’re riding in the car, and you notice his leg stiffen and press against the floorboard…roll the window down, quick. Don’t ask questions, just do it. Even the dog moves to the back of the car. It’ll take about 20 miles to air everything out, so just be patient. What I don’t get is…the dog looks at me funny, too. Like his master is so perfect. I get no respect.

4. If you’re sitting with us in a restaurant, and the meal is finished, beware. The worst is yet to be. Why can’t he just belch like the rest of us? Oh, he’ll get up to go to the bathroom, AFTER he gives us all the gift. Once again, he’ll blame me. He looks at me and leans in to whisper. THEY think he’s whispering a correction, but it’s really “Honey don’t blush, they’ll think it’s you.”

I want to run to the bathroom, but if I do, it will remove all doubt in their opinion. So, I sit still, and try not to cough. Suddenly, everyone’s tired and has to go home. It’s his way of controlling the night. I just know it is.

He needs therapy.

5. Do you like movies? I used to. We don’t go often anymore. He just can’t pay attention to the story. He HAS to invent his own drama. I think sometimes people think it’s the movie, but technology hasn’t gone that far. And aren’t we all thankful. Popcorn couldn’t even compete. Where do men get that smell?

The darkness was my only comfort.

6. Don’t even think about getting in the hot tub together. If you do, make sure the bubbles are already moving and do not laugh so hard you sink under the water. It’s no better under there.

I’m telling you, he has no pride.

7. I never accompany him to the Dr office. Oh, no!! I’m not having him convince them it’s me, and have them probe me with whatever. Nada. Ain’t happenin’ – he’s on his own if he gets sick.

Compassion escapes me at times.

8. Cooking together should be a pleasure. Lately, he can just cook by himself. When I stalk out he has the nerve to ask “WHY? Honey! What’d I dooo?”

Let me just say that some odors do not mix well with frying chicken. When he is really feeling good and energetic, I can’t even say pass the salt. When your napkin is stuffed in your mouth it’s hard to talk.

I have such an easy gag reflex, I just can’t help it.

9. Our dog loves sitting in his lap, at the end of the day, they are great pals. The dog is not perfect either. Little Buddy gets blamed for many things. You can always tell what really happened, though. If you smell something, and the dog doesn’t move…Buddy did it. On the other hand, if Buddy goes flying off the lap and lands across the room in one single quantum leap, rest assured, my husband was the guilty party.

Trouble is, he doesn’t even wake up. More proof of my innocence in elevators. If you’re not gaggin…well I rest my case. The Nose Knows.

10. I’ve save the best for last. Night time is scarey. I tip toe into the room and try to sneak into the bed. Shhh. Don’t wake him up and please, dear god, don’t ever, ever, ever, raise the sheets.

Life is not fair.

I am Marisue, and I do apologize, for what I wrote, talking about a cop’s wife’s life… 

This post was first written by me at http://hubpages.com/hub/Top-10-Really-Embarassing-Places-to-Pass-Gas  I placed it here to honor the man behind the badge.

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