Everything You Need To Know About A Cellar

But…were afraid to ask.

Lynn was always gone when I needed to go to the cellar, but we did try to keep it stocked and reasonably safe, since the cop was busy and the cop’s wife panicked in cellars.

Cellars, can be a dreaded place, if you suffer from claustrophobia, which I do.  I’m not dysfunctional or anything.  I’ve never had therapy.  I hardly ever notice it unless I’m under a blanket, under the house, stuck in an elevator, wearing a hat, fighting with a tight turtleneck sweater, in a closed 4 x 4 room, you know, things like that.   

I hardly break a sweat if it’s something not on that list.  I’m cool. Living in Oklahoma has taught me a thing or two about cellars. 

One, they’re dark.  Two, they’re really dark, and Three, they’re really dark and damp.

I’ve compiled a list of everything you should know about a cellar, but were afraid to ask.  If you’ve got some things you’d like to add, feel free.

1. Cellars can be fun.  If you’re 5 years old, don’t have to go potty, or poop, it’s not a bad place. 
2. You can never have enough snacks, and if you live in Tornado Alley, keep your cellar well stocked with crispy things that go crunch. 
3. Store everything in plastic bags or containers and wrap them in paper towels so they stay drier than the air you’re going to be breathing down in that deep, dark, damp hole.
4. Cellars are not fun if you’re not a 5 year old and an adult who has to go to the bathroom, both ways.
5. Cellars are not fun, if someone has just used the porta-potty.
6. Bring Air Freshner.
7. Cellars are boring.  Bring games and don’t let “I Spy” be one of them.
8. Spiders love cellars.
9. Mice loves cellars.
10. Roaches live in cellars.
11. You can’t kill roaches, they are indestructible.
12. Roaches multiply worse than rabbits.
13. Everything mildews. 
14. Don’t lay on the bed without shaking all the covers and examining every inch for bugs that don’t respond to shaking.
15. Roaches are bugs that don’t respond to shaking.
16. Snakes hide in cellars and come out when you doze.  Don’t doze.
17. Have an ax to chop your way out should something land on your cellar door.
18. Add a prybar and a shovel.  You can’t have too many tools in a cellar.
19. Kids cry.
20. Kids laugh at kids crying.
21. The cellar door is heavy and does not stay in your hand during a 70 mile an hour wind gust.
22. Go to the cellar before the wind gets to the level of 70 miles an hour.
23. Don’t be afraid.
24. That’s ridiculous, be very afraid.
25. Be more afraid of spiders.
26. Spiders drop from the ceiling of cellars.  They’re not just trying to say “Hi!”
27. Check the cellar for cobwebs before Tornado Season.
28. Cobwebs stick to your hair.
29. Sometimes cobwebs are really spider webs in disguise.
30. Check batteries more often than once every 5 years.
31. Take a radio that fits the batteries. They do have to match in size required.
32. Store toilet paper in plastic wrap.
33. Answer the same question from your child 122 times with patience. This has a selfish motivation; crying echoes in the chamber.
34. Learn to smile through gritted teeth without scaring the children.
35. Lie.  “Everything is going to be fine, Daddy will be here soon.”
36. Don’t worry about the lie, it’s acceptable.
37. Pack an emergency first aide kit and remember where you put it in the deep dark damp cellar.  Someone will smash their finger.
38. Have lights, lots of lights in various sizes.
39. Forget the alcohol, unless it’s rubbing alcohol, this is no time for a party.
40. Have pen and paper. Writing your thoughts is good therapy.
41. Make sure you have personal identification on your body, don’t ask why.
42. Call people before the storm, so they know you’re going to the cellar, just in case later, they can’t find you.
43. Don’t paint your cellar red.  It’ the color of panic. 
44. Don’t panic.

It’s all going to be okay.  See rule about lying. 

– by Marisue, telling the stories of a cop’s wife’s life.