Everything You Need To Know About A Cellar

But…were afraid to ask.

Lynn was always gone when I needed to go to the cellar, but we did try to keep it stocked and reasonably safe, since the cop was busy and the cop’s wife panicked in cellars.

Cellars, can be a dreaded place, if you suffer from claustrophobia, which I do.  I’m not dysfunctional or anything.  I’ve never had therapy.  I hardly ever notice it unless I’m under a blanket, under the house, stuck in an elevator, wearing a hat, fighting with a tight turtleneck sweater, in a closed 4 x 4 room, you know, things like that.   

I hardly break a sweat if it’s something not on that list.  I’m cool. Living in Oklahoma has taught me a thing or two about cellars. 

One, they’re dark.  Two, they’re really dark, and Three, they’re really dark and damp.

I’ve compiled a list of everything you should know about a cellar, but were afraid to ask.  If you’ve got some things you’d like to add, feel free.

1. Cellars can be fun.  If you’re 5 years old, don’t have to go potty, or poop, it’s not a bad place. 
2. You can never have enough snacks, and if you live in Tornado Alley, keep your cellar well stocked with crispy things that go crunch. 
3. Store everything in plastic bags or containers and wrap them in paper towels so they stay drier than the air you’re going to be breathing down in that deep, dark, damp hole.
4. Cellars are not fun if you’re not a 5 year old and an adult who has to go to the bathroom, both ways.
5. Cellars are not fun, if someone has just used the porta-potty.
6. Bring Air Freshner.
7. Cellars are boring.  Bring games and don’t let “I Spy” be one of them.
8. Spiders love cellars.
9. Mice loves cellars.
10. Roaches live in cellars.
11. You can’t kill roaches, they are indestructible.
12. Roaches multiply worse than rabbits.
13. Everything mildews. 
14. Don’t lay on the bed without shaking all the covers and examining every inch for bugs that don’t respond to shaking.
15. Roaches are bugs that don’t respond to shaking.
16. Snakes hide in cellars and come out when you doze.  Don’t doze.
17. Have an ax to chop your way out should something land on your cellar door.
18. Add a prybar and a shovel.  You can’t have too many tools in a cellar.
19. Kids cry.
20. Kids laugh at kids crying.
21. The cellar door is heavy and does not stay in your hand during a 70 mile an hour wind gust.
22. Go to the cellar before the wind gets to the level of 70 miles an hour.
23. Don’t be afraid.
24. That’s ridiculous, be very afraid.
25. Be more afraid of spiders.
26. Spiders drop from the ceiling of cellars.  They’re not just trying to say “Hi!”
27. Check the cellar for cobwebs before Tornado Season.
28. Cobwebs stick to your hair.
29. Sometimes cobwebs are really spider webs in disguise.
30. Check batteries more often than once every 5 years.
31. Take a radio that fits the batteries. They do have to match in size required.
32. Store toilet paper in plastic wrap.
33. Answer the same question from your child 122 times with patience. This has a selfish motivation; crying echoes in the chamber.
34. Learn to smile through gritted teeth without scaring the children.
35. Lie.  “Everything is going to be fine, Daddy will be here soon.”
36. Don’t worry about the lie, it’s acceptable.
37. Pack an emergency first aide kit and remember where you put it in the deep dark damp cellar.  Someone will smash their finger.
38. Have lights, lots of lights in various sizes.
39. Forget the alcohol, unless it’s rubbing alcohol, this is no time for a party.
40. Have pen and paper. Writing your thoughts is good therapy.
41. Make sure you have personal identification on your body, don’t ask why.
42. Call people before the storm, so they know you’re going to the cellar, just in case later, they can’t find you.
43. Don’t paint your cellar red.  It’ the color of panic. 
44. Don’t panic.

It’s all going to be okay.  See rule about lying. 

– by Marisue, telling the stories of a cop’s wife’s life.

A Question A Cop’s Wife Asks Before Panicking

Cop’s forget the shock effect of their job.  They walk around in sticky, oozy smelly things all the time.  Thankfully, I didn’t have to clean the uniforms, we sent them out.

It’s amazing what comes home from the police department.  My cop always left clean, he smelled good, looked good, my man, Lynn.  What walked back in the door was anyone’s guess.

I’m a strong woman, one of few phobias, not prone to panic.  I thought. Twenty-five and pregnant, I still had a lot to learn. 

As a young married couple, and really even now, we have a lot to talk about.  Then, life was full of adventure, and we would give up sleep to talk about it.  Can you imagine?  Now, it’s “Honey could you tell me in the morning, I’m dead.” 

Lynn worked the night shift for years and years.  He wasn’t really a night owl, but that’s where the excitement is if you’re a cop, even in a small town. 

One night, he came home about 2:00a.m. and unfortunately he was locked out.  He pounded on the door, and of course, I went to the door, belly first as I was 6 months pregnant. 

You’re about to ask “What was he thinking!!”

I opened the door and screamed.  His shirt and part of his face was covered in blood.  My hand flew to my mouth, my eyes to his face and back to his chest.  He looked like he’d been shot.  He froze, I froze, we were both a sight.

I guess he saw my eyes try to roll back into my head so he jumped through the door saying “I’m alright, I’m alright, most of it’s not my blood.” 

MOST OF IT??

Yeah, that was my question too, only I couldn’t speak on account of I was about to throw up.  I didn’t know blood stunk.  It’s a sharp metallic smell that burns the nose and throat. 

I backed up to the couch and dropped like a heavy rock.  Lynn was talking, repeating over and over “I was in pursuit and when he stopped, as I was telling him to put his hands behind his back he turned and came at me with his fist, he was holding a tire iron,  but all I saw was motion so I drew my baton, rather quickly I might add, and hit him.  He hit me first, and I hit him a second later.  See?  This is his blood and this part’s mine.  See my eye?  It’s turning black, I think.  That’s what bled, head wounds bleed a lot, see he hit me here on the temple. Man, I’m pretty lucky, he had to have stitches from the baton.”

“Lynn!, Lynn!, please, stop, don’t tell me anymore, take your shirt off, I can’t stand to look at it!!”

Cops!!   They’re so in awe of their job. 

After this eventful night of fright, he learned to change clothes before he came home,  and I ask “Whose Blood is it?” before I faint.

It worked, we’ve been together going on 32 years, so all you young cop wives, learn from me.  Ask questions first, faint later.

by: Marisue, talking about the cop’s wife’s life.