A Gassy Cop – Will He Survive?

We’re talking gas, all right, but not the kind you put in your car. Or…?  Come on, go ahead and read, it’s just a fact of life.

I know. It’s embarassing to even bring the subject up. We all do it and we all go through every day pretending we don’t. Like me for instance. This entire story will be told at my husband’s expense.

Well, gee. You didn’t think I did this kind of thing did you?

It’s him. He does it everywhere and he even blames me. I can be standing next to him in the check out lane and…well, I just can’t bare to say it. Lean close. Come on, lean in closer. Right next to the monitor…he passes wind.

You know. Wind. Gas, Air, okay make me say it…he farts. I do apologize for those I’ve just offended. I must warn you, it’s going to get worse.

If you’re under 18 and living in a virgin house that is free from, uh, gas…then please read no further. You do not want to know what a grown man does in public places, and some places not so public. It’s completely unnatural and evidently there is no cure.

Personally, I think it’s a guy thing. Well, maybe not, but the sheer enjoyment and pleasure of passing gas for a man is just a strange phenomenon. They are so into the moment. You’ve seen that, right?

For the past 32 years, I have been subjected to sheer torture. I am confessing now that I’ve had my moments of being tempted to walk out, but what about the children? I think about it though, everytime he pulls his passing wind stunts.

What brought this to mind is that he did it again, the other day right in front of God, and everyone in the store. He always catches me off guard. There we are, walking down the canned bean aisle and it must have been the power of suggestion from the beans, because I heard this god-awful roar. I prayed it was thunder, but no.

Automatically I held my breath. Experience, my friends (I do apologize for those words, McCain has made them so painful even to write), it’s just experience. You hear the roar and if you value your life you will hold your breath, and then you’ll push that cart away at a trot. “Away” is the key word.

His next comment is so predictable. He will turn abruptly, with a shocked look on his pink face and say loudly “Mari SUE!!”

Like I did it!! And, what are you going to say back to that?? “I didn’t do it – it was YOU!” Ha! People look knowingly and in pure sympathy at him. I can hear their thoughts “Poor woman, has she been this way long?” They always think it’s me. He is such a liar and performer…it’s probably all those years on the police force, don’t you think?

He’s just not human.

I could slice and dice that man in that moment, and I am not a violent woman. He is so lucky I stay with him. The grocery store is not the worst place this happens. Oh, no. Not by a long shot. I have many memories of moments of embarassing flatulence.

Here, are the Top Ten Embarassing Places To Pass Gas:

1. Do NOT get on an elevator with this man. He will wait, until it’s full of people and you can’t move and — well, he just let’s it rip. This one is silent.

What hurts my feelings is that when people begin to cough and stir around, fervently searching for that one delicious breath of freshness, he looks at the one next to him and jerks his head in my direction and then rolls his eyes.

While I’m busy melting into the floor, he’s causing everyone to look in my direction. He’s a mean man. I think silent gas is the worst and entirely not fair. Where is your defense against such a thing!!

At that moment I can not be trusted to speak.

I carry air freshner but dragging that out would only convince them it was me. Instead, my innocence is validated by the slightly blue tinge to my face from holding my breath. Living proof of purity. Why would you hold your breath if the gas was yours? See!?! You know what I’m talking about, but does anyone on the elevator take time to think of that??? No!! They are too busy giving me dirty looks while they gasp for air!

They hate me. Well, they’re strangers, why do I care?

2. Do NOT attend a business meeting of 100 people in the same room and sit next to him. For some reason, he thinks the large room and the 100 people absorb the sound. So, these gassy moments are not silent. Oh yes, plural as in more than one. I try to sit on the end of the row but it’s not always possible. The sound is deafening and long. What happened to the little short ones??

He just sits there. No embarassment. Nothing, until, slowly, he’ll turn his head to me and put his hand on his hip. His little “Well, I never!” look would stop a herd of elephants.and he can hold that position for a full 30 seconds.

As if on cue, someone will clear their throat and breaks have been called for no apparent reason. “We’ll all take a 10 minute bathroom break, folks. Uh, Make that 15 minutes.”

I never know what happens next because I’m outta there like greased lightning. People won’t even look in my direction when the meeting starts up. Magically, I have tons of elbow room on the now nearly vacant row. I like wiggle room, but it would be nice to have someone to talk to though.

I’m so alone.

3. When you’re riding in the car, and you notice his leg stiffen and press against the floorboard…roll the window down, quick. Don’t ask questions, just do it. Even the dog moves to the back of the car. It’ll take about 20 miles to air everything out, so just be patient. What I don’t get is…the dog looks at me funny, too. Like his master is so perfect. I get no respect.

4. If you’re sitting with us in a restaurant, and the meal is finished, beware. The worst is yet to be. Why can’t he just belch like the rest of us? Oh, he’ll get up to go to the bathroom, AFTER he gives us all the gift. Once again, he’ll blame me. He looks at me and leans in to whisper. THEY think he’s whispering a correction, but it’s really “Honey don’t blush, they’ll think it’s you.”

I want to run to the bathroom, but if I do, it will remove all doubt in their opinion. So, I sit still, and try not to cough. Suddenly, everyone’s tired and has to go home. It’s his way of controlling the night. I just know it is.

He needs therapy.

5. Do you like movies? I used to. We don’t go often anymore. He just can’t pay attention to the story. He HAS to invent his own drama. I think sometimes people think it’s the movie, but technology hasn’t gone that far. And aren’t we all thankful. Popcorn couldn’t even compete. Where do men get that smell?

The darkness was my only comfort.

6. Don’t even think about getting in the hot tub together. If you do, make sure the bubbles are already moving and do not laugh so hard you sink under the water. It’s no better under there.

I’m telling you, he has no pride.

7. I never accompany him to the Dr office. Oh, no!! I’m not having him convince them it’s me, and have them probe me with whatever. Nada. Ain’t happenin’ – he’s on his own if he gets sick.

Compassion escapes me at times.

8. Cooking together should be a pleasure. Lately, he can just cook by himself. When I stalk out he has the nerve to ask “WHY? Honey! What’d I dooo?”

Let me just say that some odors do not mix well with frying chicken. When he is really feeling good and energetic, I can’t even say pass the salt. When your napkin is stuffed in your mouth it’s hard to talk.

I have such an easy gag reflex, I just can’t help it.

9. Our dog loves sitting in his lap, at the end of the day, they are great pals. The dog is not perfect either. Little Buddy gets blamed for many things. You can always tell what really happened, though. If you smell something, and the dog doesn’t move…Buddy did it. On the other hand, if Buddy goes flying off the lap and lands across the room in one single quantum leap, rest assured, my husband was the guilty party.

Trouble is, he doesn’t even wake up. More proof of my innocence in elevators. If you’re not gaggin…well I rest my case. The Nose Knows.

10. I’ve save the best for last. Night time is scarey. I tip toe into the room and try to sneak into the bed. Shhh. Don’t wake him up and please, dear god, don’t ever, ever, ever, raise the sheets.

Life is not fair.

I am Marisue, and I do apologize, for what I wrote, talking about a cop’s wife’s life… 

This post was first written by me at http://hubpages.com/hub/Top-10-Really-Embarassing-Places-to-Pass-Gas  I placed it here to honor the man behind the badge.

Everything You Need To Know About A Cellar

But…were afraid to ask.

Lynn was always gone when I needed to go to the cellar, but we did try to keep it stocked and reasonably safe, since the cop was busy and the cop’s wife panicked in cellars.

Cellars, can be a dreaded place, if you suffer from claustrophobia, which I do.  I’m not dysfunctional or anything.  I’ve never had therapy.  I hardly ever notice it unless I’m under a blanket, under the house, stuck in an elevator, wearing a hat, fighting with a tight turtleneck sweater, in a closed 4 x 4 room, you know, things like that.   

I hardly break a sweat if it’s something not on that list.  I’m cool. Living in Oklahoma has taught me a thing or two about cellars. 

One, they’re dark.  Two, they’re really dark, and Three, they’re really dark and damp.

I’ve compiled a list of everything you should know about a cellar, but were afraid to ask.  If you’ve got some things you’d like to add, feel free.

1. Cellars can be fun.  If you’re 5 years old, don’t have to go potty, or poop, it’s not a bad place. 
2. You can never have enough snacks, and if you live in Tornado Alley, keep your cellar well stocked with crispy things that go crunch. 
3. Store everything in plastic bags or containers and wrap them in paper towels so they stay drier than the air you’re going to be breathing down in that deep, dark, damp hole.
4. Cellars are not fun if you’re not a 5 year old and an adult who has to go to the bathroom, both ways.
5. Cellars are not fun, if someone has just used the porta-potty.
6. Bring Air Freshner.
7. Cellars are boring.  Bring games and don’t let “I Spy” be one of them.
8. Spiders love cellars.
9. Mice loves cellars.
10. Roaches live in cellars.
11. You can’t kill roaches, they are indestructible.
12. Roaches multiply worse than rabbits.
13. Everything mildews. 
14. Don’t lay on the bed without shaking all the covers and examining every inch for bugs that don’t respond to shaking.
15. Roaches are bugs that don’t respond to shaking.
16. Snakes hide in cellars and come out when you doze.  Don’t doze.
17. Have an ax to chop your way out should something land on your cellar door.
18. Add a prybar and a shovel.  You can’t have too many tools in a cellar.
19. Kids cry.
20. Kids laugh at kids crying.
21. The cellar door is heavy and does not stay in your hand during a 70 mile an hour wind gust.
22. Go to the cellar before the wind gets to the level of 70 miles an hour.
23. Don’t be afraid.
24. That’s ridiculous, be very afraid.
25. Be more afraid of spiders.
26. Spiders drop from the ceiling of cellars.  They’re not just trying to say “Hi!”
27. Check the cellar for cobwebs before Tornado Season.
28. Cobwebs stick to your hair.
29. Sometimes cobwebs are really spider webs in disguise.
30. Check batteries more often than once every 5 years.
31. Take a radio that fits the batteries. They do have to match in size required.
32. Store toilet paper in plastic wrap.
33. Answer the same question from your child 122 times with patience. This has a selfish motivation; crying echoes in the chamber.
34. Learn to smile through gritted teeth without scaring the children.
35. Lie.  “Everything is going to be fine, Daddy will be here soon.”
36. Don’t worry about the lie, it’s acceptable.
37. Pack an emergency first aide kit and remember where you put it in the deep dark damp cellar.  Someone will smash their finger.
38. Have lights, lots of lights in various sizes.
39. Forget the alcohol, unless it’s rubbing alcohol, this is no time for a party.
40. Have pen and paper. Writing your thoughts is good therapy.
41. Make sure you have personal identification on your body, don’t ask why.
42. Call people before the storm, so they know you’re going to the cellar, just in case later, they can’t find you.
43. Don’t paint your cellar red.  It’ the color of panic. 
44. Don’t panic.

It’s all going to be okay.  See rule about lying. 

– by Marisue, telling the stories of a cop’s wife’s life.